


Memo: Jedi Maintenance (The Care and Feeding of Your Jetii)

by RainofLittleFishes



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: Clone Wars (2003) - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Affection, All Quiet On The Clone Front, Anonymous Grunt, Before It Went Horribly Wrong, Budding Anthropologist Goes To War, Clone Trooper Culture, Culture Shock, Except for the Sarcasm, Gallows Humor, Implied Violence, Intersection of Two Warrior Cultures, Jedi, Jedi Culture, Jedi Wrangling, Maintenance manual, Memos, Observations from the Front Lines of the Republic Falling to the Empire, Observations of Power Imbalance, Observations on Jedi Culture, POV Clone Trooper, Plausible Deniability, Prompt Fill, Sarcasm, Stress, That would be the slaves, That's it. There's no punchline. Because everyone involved probably died., The Care & Feeding, The Care & Feeding of your Jedi, User guide, brothers in arms, loving exasperation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-22
Updated: 2017-08-22
Packaged: 2018-12-18 17:30:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11879367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RainofLittleFishes/pseuds/RainofLittleFishes
Summary: The Care and Maintenance of Your Jedi: A Clone Trooper's GuideLet's be real, a document with the above title totally existed during the Clone Wars. Write an excerpt from that document. That's it, that's the prompt.*Ding!You have a memo (Level: Non-Urgent, Confidential, Ongoing Maintenance, Internally Generated).Memo: Jedi MaintenanceTo: You. Yes, you. Presuming you don’t want to get shot up or be responsible for getting your unit shot up because you were too lazy to prep properly in a moment of downtime.*





	Memo: Jedi Maintenance (The Care and Feeding of Your Jetii)

_Ding!_

You have a memo (Level: Non-Urgent, Confidential, Ongoing Maintenance, Internally Generated).

**Memo: Jedi Maintenance**

To: You. Yes, you. Presuming you don’t want to get shot up or be responsible for getting your unit shot up because you were too lazy to prep properly in a moment of downtime.

*

Congratulations. If you’re reading this, you’re not dead yet.

Are you newly assigned to your first Jedi?

Are you on your third bucket but wondering why your Jedi _still_ doesn’t react to combat and downtime properly?

Are you the _baar'ur_ responsible for all of the above and your Jedi too?

No matter. Your _vode_ are here to tell you a few things before you and everyone you know die meaninglessly… in the hopes that maybe you won’t.

*

There are Jedi and there are _Jetiise_. The following concerns itself with the latter, but there may be something of use relating to the former. You know which yours is. This is a memo. Do your duty.

Those that are marching far away are never gone unless we forget them.

*

Your Jedi is your commander but your Jedi is also your charge. 

The first thing to do when you are assigned to a new Jedi is to thoroughly familiarize yourself with their physical status and behavioral habits. This will allow you to set a baseline for future observations. If your first encounter is on the field, adjust accordingly, as there will be plenty of that but you will need to know also what your Jedi is like _at rest_ to properly maintain them.

Your Jedi is likely to conceal symptoms of injury, disquiet, or any form of perceived weakness, some of which, quite frankly, are stupid and/or culturally indoctrinated. This is an advantage on the field and a liability off of it. How can you re-stock your kit if you don’t know what’s depleted?

Your job includes compensating for your Jedi’s liabilities, but you can’t do that unless you can identify them. This is vastly easier if your Jedi trusts you, so, among other things, directly calling them a _di'kut_ is probably counterproductive even if you don’t get charged with insubordination.

Familiarize yourself with your Jedi's species, their requirements and abilities. It is acceptable to use your own baseline as a comparison, but stupid to assume that that they are the same.

Your Jedi’s access to the force may permit them access to a variety of additional abilities such as telekinesis, precognition, and even mental influence... the last of which does diddly when facing droids. 

Your Jedi's own abilities, including stamina, speed, and strength, are likely to surpass their species standard, but not so far as _they_ are likely to believe. Your job is to differentiate between what your Jedi _can_ do and what your Jedi thinks they _ought_ to be able to do.

*

A word on non-human Jedi:

There is a huge range of physical diversity within human and near human peoples, a fact that, yes, we (and here’s your fancy-ass phrase for it: The Clone Monoculture, like we’re a field of Elba grain and not people) mostly know from the holonet and unfortunate civvies caught up in action. Within those populations there is a large variation of physical baseline traits, abilities, differences in nutritional needs, particular vulnerabilities. What is a delicacy to one is a poison to another, or even a fatal allergy to an individual.

Set that aside.

Your nonhuman Jedi may be highly allergic to the _air_ you breathe. Or to your rations. Or your dander.

Your nonhuman Jedi may need to breathe atmosphere poisonous to you, may need to consume nutrition corrosive to you, may need a quantity of solar radiation deadly to you.

You have holonet access. Use it. For more than porn, (yes we know it’s there). Become familiar with their species baseline. Then communicate with your Jedi to clarify as necessary.

And if your Jedi’s very life depends on specialized equipment or nutrition? _You had better be carrying spares_.

*

Yes, we know that a lightsaber is specialized equipment. If you convince Supply to give you spares as backup, don’t hoard ‘em, tell the rest of us _how_ already.

*

Your Jedi may come with a padawan. Padawans are Jedi shinies. They are one part force wielding juggernaut in training and one part nexu kitten.

I do not care what your mission statement is. _Do not let your padawan die_. If at all possible, don't let them so much as stub a toe, claw, tail, lekku, or horn.

One, it's worse than watching civvies get it, because they're _yours_. (You can’t keep civvie _ade_ , no matter how promising.)

Two, their master, your Jedi, is promptly going to be very, _very_ distracted. 

*

Your Jedi's connection to The Force has its price.

Did your Jedi haul a half dozen of you out from under a falling wall?

Feed your Jedi.

Did your Jedi manage to heal you when you thought you were as good as dead?

Feed your Jedi.

The force does not feed your Jedi, that is _your_ job.

The force is good at allowing your Jedi ten dozen ways to burn calories as if they were meal packs tossed in a campfire.

Feed your Jedi.

Don't forget to water them too. 

*

Your Jedi's connection to the force has further costs. 

Do not. 

Do NOT. 

DO NOT put your unblooded padawan anywhere near the front lines. 

I don't care how many of you play the "but can you hear me now" game to see if your Jedi are listening in. Your Jedi is probably too polite, or else practical, because _some_ of them are, to bother with telepathy outside of extremity, if they even can. But it is entirely possible that your Jedi is much better at tuning you out then they are about tuning out The Force. And The Force is very good at relaying strong emotion. 

Unprepared Jedi plus sudden casualties may very well equal stunned, angry, or even unconscious Jedi, likely at a time where you not only can’t afford to be short their abilities, you’re going to be at extremes to evacuate them.

Do not put your padawan anywhere they're likely to find trouble. They're good enough about finding it themselves. 

*

If your Jedi tries to bluff you with a _di'kutla_ plan that relies on a series of unlikely events and assures you that The Force will provide, remind your Jedi that The Force also helps those who help themselves and in fact would probably prefer a day off. It is inadvisable to call it mystical woo no matter how mad you are, or how dumb the plan.

*

Your Jedi may come equipped with a sense of humor, but it is not a guaranteed feature. This sense of humor may be evident from initial introduction or it may only be apparent during certain circumstances, such as awkward but non-fatal accidents, or under fire.

You may wish to encourage your Jedi's sense of humor as it is often a useful method of non-threatening socialization. It is also does not require intoxicants, access to intoxicants, or determining if your Jedi disapproves of intoxicants.

Also useful for socialization is conversation regarding your Jedi’s particular personal areas of interest, as many Jedi pursue personal leisure activities in their off duty hours. These recreational interests may range from the obscure and non-utilitarian to the practical, from specific research interests to growing non-food plants, collecting geological specimens or cultural artifacts, or endlessly fiddling with any and all available electronic and mechanical parts. (Yes, 501st, we’re looking at you.)

If your Jedi’s interests are of interest to you beyond their use as a socialization exercise, you’re in luck, a knowledgeable organic is a far better instructor than the holonet. If not, do it anyway, or find a brother who will. _We_ have our brothers. Your Jedi has _you_. Your Jedi may need help to understand that. 

*

Familiarize yourself with the rules by which your Jedi is constrained. They will make translating your Jedi's speech, actions, and comportment possible. 

Like you, your Jedi has been taught from an early age to disdain personal cowardice, stupidity, sloth, inefficiency, and poor hygiene.

They have also been trained to fear and avoid pride, wrath, gluttony, greed, lust and fear itself. When the Jedi cull their young, the culled are released, not recycled, but this dismissal from purpose, the threat of it, is still ample motivation and cause of dread. By the age of reason a Jedi has been selected by a mentor and shortly thereafter serves missions in a variety of dangers.  Your Jedi is unlikely to confess fears of failure, or frustration, or anger, even when such seems obvious. Moreover, they’re more likely to pretend it never happened than address it, even privately. This is one of the reasons they need you to cover their backs.

_Fear leads to Anger_

_Anger leads to Hate_

_Hate leads to Suffering_

This is one of many precepts under which your Jedi labors to make their way through the battlefield, both that of the war and that involving _basic social interactions_.

Fear is natural. It gives warning. It gives incentive. Conquering it is an ongoing practice, just as the litany of names of those that march far away grows. Your Jedi, especially your Jedi padawan, may not be entirely intrepid. That is a sign that they are a thinking and feeling being like yourself, and not a droid. Your Jedi, however, may view it as a liability or failing. If possible, familiarize yourself with your Jedi's past experiences and be prepared to do damage control when they venture into new emotional territory. 

If you have had sufficient downtime for sleep and nutritional intake and your Jedi does not make efforts to maintain personal hygiene, consider this a sign of severe mental disquiet and act accordingly. 

Jedi get strange ideas about isolation and strength if left alone too long. This is not to be confused with ongoing meditation as a regular practice. Meditation may be necessary for your Jedi's long term maintenance. 

Your best bet to differentiate between meditation and brooding is a prior familiarity with your Jedi.

**_Socialize your Jedi._ **

Jedi believe that they may be called upon to be self-sacrificing. They may equate this with self-sacrifice being necessary and not a last resort. Familiarize yourself with your Jedi.

The phrase "I am fine" has never had so many interpretations as when uttered by a Jedi.

It has been known to express sentiments as varied as "we are all 38 hours from our last rest period", "I am only bleeding from one extremity", and "I just lost my Master and I'm still in shock, and maybe I'm concussed too but it would be rude to ask if there are two of you because you're clones but wow you're really synchronized".

This manual is a working document and has been through and back through a few hands and revisions. If you note something missing, if you disagree with something, if you have found a good technique for Jedi wrangling, _share it already_. 

 _This_ edition will leave space below for the ever popular post-mission game of “My Jedi said ‘I am fine’, but…”.

Drinks to the winner for the most outrageous, but considering the audience, we will have to stipulate that you have to survive to claim your drink.

___________________________________________

___________________________________________

___________________________________________

___________________________________________

___________________________________________

___________________________________________

 

*

Good luck convincing your Jedi to wear proper armor.

Your Jedi probably owns a cloak, a very useful item of clothing that can also double as a blanket, a pillow, a small tent, or an overly dramatic flag to draw enemy fire or get caught at inopportune moments.

Don’t bother trying to use it for emergency bandaging; you don’t want to know where it’s been.

Some small success has been reported in convincing Jedi to wear more protection than their textiles by emphasizing the traditional and practical applications to the performance of _Dha Werda Verda_. It also may be noted that if your Jedi resists conversational socialization, the physical performance of a communal act may serve as a relief as the expectations are clear and no one has to figure out what to talk about.

At this time please take a moment to remind any over excitable brothers that one should never give a Keldabe kiss to anyone not wearing a helmet, no matter how impassioned the moment.

But if you have, we want to know.

*

Your Jedi has been taught that attachment is dangerous. Your Jedi's own interpretation of this may vary, but be prepared for your Jedi to resist socialization techniques, or engage only in a limited manner.

Continue to offer socialization. Do not attempt to force your Jedi into admitting its effects. Just as you must keep an eye on your shinies for stress-induced mental fatigue, your Jedi, likewise, needs support that they may not be able to ask for, that they may resent you for offering.

Your Jedi may find displays of affection confusing or even off-putting. Respect their boundaries if they appear uncomfortable. Be unthreatening. Demonstrate the platonic nature of your affection by showing the same affection to your brothers.

If the nature of your affection is not platonic, then for kriff’s sake do your research, be respectful and communicate clearly, and no matter how much we want to know the details, don't brag unless your Jedi consents to it. 

*

Interacting with your Jedi may be complicated, but ultimately it is worthwhile to foster trust and your working relationship will realize further explosions with a minimum of casualties.  

*

This communication is private. Share it only with your closest 10 units, and certainly not your Jedi.

Now go blow up some clankers. And remember to feed your Jedi.

 _K'oyacyi_. 

*

Close File?

Affirmative.

*

**Author's Note:**

> [Prompt from StarWarsKinkMeme](http://starwarskinkmeme.dreamwidth.org/586.html?thread=1061962#cmt1061962)
> 
> Thank you to the original prompter and to the other potential future filler. Prompter, if you're on Ao3 let me know and I'll gift this to you.


End file.
